Anbu and the Bandit
by Dr-Lovekill
Summary: Naruto/Smokey and the Bandit crossover! Itachi is back, and he's on the run from a dimwitted Anbu with Temari and 100 cases of sake! In a Trans Am! And why is Kisame driving a Kenworth semi? All this and more. Rated for language.
1. Prologue

Preface

_Welcome, loyal readers, fans, and new reader alike to my newest fic. I hope you enjoy, and as I have been out of the game for so long, I hope that I still have a glowing ember of the writing ability that many of you used to enjoy. I write not only for my own leisure, but for you, the reader, and it for you that I now submit for your approval, the Smokey and the Bandit/Naruto crossover that only I am brave enough to attempt. Read and review please._

A cloaked man sat in the driver's seat of a wagon drawn at breakneck speed by two horses. A large tarped bundle shifted dangerously in the wagon as the driver whipped the horses along a mountain road. He rounded a bend, and reigned the horses back hard. Up ahead sat two motor cars marked with the Anbu symbol, blue lights on top flashing. 5 Anbu nins stood in the road, their arms crossed as if they were waiting on the man to arrive. The horses' hooves dug into the ground as the wagon came to a grinding halt. The driver sat nervously as the Anbu approached, flanking his wagon, the leader of the squad walking up to his seat and staring down the driver through the eye holes of his catlike mask.

"Where might you be going at such a speed?" The Anbu leader asked.

"Umm.." The driver stammered. "Just making a delivery to Konoha, that's all."

"And what are you _delivering_, and on _whose_orders?" The nin asked. "Speak..."

"Just...uh..."

"Sake." One of the other Anbu said, lifting up the canvas tarp. "Lots of it." The Anbu leader looked at the driver and sighed. "You're under arrest for trafficking an alcoholic beverage across borders without a permit. You know that this is illegal." The driver groaned.

"These two lords, they..." The driver began.

"Haven't you baka fools learned?" The Anbu leader said angrily. "Big and little Kobiashi Maru make this bet with every ex-criminal and out of work snake they meet."

_And so it begins, one of the bravest undertakings in the history of ...combining Naruto with the classic Burt Reynolds action comedy Smokey and the Bandit. Just more proof that I am a man of many passions, I guess. Tell me what you thought of this little opening. Chapter 1 is coming soon, so stay tuned!_


	2. Chapter 1: A Man Called Itachi

CHAPTER 1: A Man Called Itachi From Konoha...

_Two chapters in one night...I haven't done this in...MONTHS! I hope as the story line progresses, you enjoy this fic. I've had it in mind to do this one for some time, and I can only hope that you will like reading it as much as I enjoy writing. Honorable readers, I now present you the first chapter. Reviews, please._

"How are you so sure...this Bandit is going to go for this little challange father?" A 5 foot tall, overweight young man in a ghastly blue kimono asked, looking up at a 6 foot one, equally fat older man in a matching silk travesty. The two men walked past a line of the newest machines to hit the country...big rigs, or 18 wheelers imported from the large nation across the sea. The large field was bustling with people and these large machines as the owners had come to compete in a racing tournament pitting their driving skill and the power of their trucks against one another.

"Because son," The larger man replied. "From what I understand about Bandit, he has never backed down from anything. He's as arrogant as he is stupid, and going to snap at this opportunity." The two rich (and eccentric) lords passed by a group of people. "Hey, vagabond." Big Kobiashi called snidely to a random spectator. "Have you seen the Bandit?"

"Yessir..." The man replied, eyeing the Maru's gaudy clothes. "He's over by his truck." The two men walked over to a semi truck, the trailer of which was painted with an enourmous mural depicting a group of rogue ninjas holding up an armed wagon in a dramatic fashion.

"Look at that..." Big Kobiashi sneered. "What kind of bombastic, baka hooligan paints a vehicle like that?" They rounded the rig to see a man laying in a hammock tied between the truck and a nearby tree. Dressed in black pants with tall black open toed Anbu boots over them, a black V-neck shirt with a black fishnet shirt underneath was the man they were looking for. The dark-clad man had his fingerless-gloved hands behind his head, with a conical straw hat pulled over his eyes, obviously trying to take a nap. "You see, son." The larger lord said "Old legends don't die...they just get fat and lazy."

"This is the fabled Itachi?" Little Kobiashi muttered to his father. "Looks more like a beggar."

"Hey Itaaaachiii..." Big Kobiashi called quietly.

"I don't know anyone by that name." A grave monotone voice muttered from underneath the hat. The man pulled the hat up slowly to reveal a black-haired youngish man with dark eyes and dark lines under his eyes. He looked at the two men for a moment.

"Tell me..." He said "I'm curious...exactly HOW hard is it to find matching kimonos in a size 52 extra fat, and a size 10 dwarf?"

"Still cocky, huh?" The tall lord said. "Well I've heard all about you....Itachi." The man sat up on the hammock and looked at the ground a moment. "That's right. You used to be quite the hell-raiser, weren't you son?" Big Kobiashi smiled. "I've come to give you a chance to prove your worth again."

"What are you talking about?" Itachi asked slightly annoyed.

"I'm _talking_about you getting out of this ridiculous motor truck race and getting a _real_job." At that, Itachi stood up and looked at the two feudal lords as if to say 'Tell me more'.

......................................

"You _know_of course..." Itachi said, walking between the two rich gamblers, "Transporting sake between the Sand Village and the Hidden Leaf Village is bootlegging. It's a serious offense, right?"

"And since when has a few laws ever stopped you before?" Big Kobiashi asked. "Look, I'm talking 75 pounds of gold coins. You know what that could buy?"

"100 cases...of sake...what could you possibly need that much sake for?" Itachi asked.

"He's thirsty." Little Kobiashi sneered. Itachi cocked an eyebrow as he glowered down at the shorter man.

"I have alot of rich friends, and we want to have a rich party." Big Kobiashi replied.

"Okay..." Itachi said. "I get that I have to use a truck to _move_all of this sake, but 18 hours? You want me to drive from the Hidden Leaf to the Sand Village, pick up 100 cases of sake, and make it back to Konoha in 18 hours. That's never been done before."

"And no one has ever done half of the stuff you're credited with doing." The big lord said with a smile. "So, are you in?"

Itachi sighed, and thought for a minute. "I need money for gas."

"Give him some running money." Big Kobiashi said to his son. The smaller man grunted and pulled out a handfull of notes.

"And I'll need a car." Itachi added. "Something to run blocker for the truck." Big Kobiashi nodded, and his son pulled out more money. "Um...a faster car if you would." Itachi said. The little lord flipped out a little more money. Itachi gave a small smile. "Faster than that." Little Kobiashi shuddered and gave Itachi a large wad of cash. "Okay." Itachi said. "I'm in."


	3. Chapter 2: Kisame

CHAPTER 2: Kisame

A small house sat at the edge of a forest. Three small children played in the yard with wooden katanas. The calm was broken by Itachi's big rig pulling into the yard. He put on the air brakes and shut off the engine. As Itachi stepped from the vehicle, the kids dropped their toy weapons and ran up to the man happily.

"Uncle Itachi!" A 5 year old girl called. Itachi picked her up and allowed her onto his shoulders.

"Itachi!" The two boys laughed. "We missed you!" Itachi approached the door to see it open. A slightly annoyed blonde woman stood in the portal.

"What the Hell are you doing here Itachi?" She asked with a scowl.

"Hello Ino." Itachi said with a cheezy smile. "Beautiful as ever, I see. Is Kisame around?"

"You're _not_going to see him." Ino replied. "You're _not_getting him in trouble with the police again." Itachi smiled a little.

"Well, I just thought I'd..." He said, pushing past Ino. "Go say 'Hi' to him. I see the little ones are growing like bamboo, huh?" He let the girl off of his shoulders and sat her on the floor. "The kids always loved me." He continued, working his way back toward the bedroom.

"It's uncle Itachi!" One of the boys said.

"He's not your _uncle_!" Ino scolded. Itachi took advantage of the distraction to slip into the bedroom. A large lump underneath a white sheet told Itachi that Kisame was sleeping. Itachi turned on a light.

"Hey Kisame!" Itachi called. "How have you been?" The figure in the bed stirred. "Come on, get up, I have to talk to you."

"Whaaaaaat?" A groan came from under the sheet.

"Kisame." Itachi said "We have a job to do. Get up." The figure under the bed stuck his head out from underneath the sheet. The blue-skinned shark man stared at Itachi sleepily.

"What kind of job?" Kisame asked. "Wait...what's the pay for this job?" Itachi fell onto the bed, on top of Kisame, who let out a "ooph." Itachi leaned in next to Kisame.

"Seventy five pounds...of _gold_." Kisame perked up a little.

"Seventy five pounds?" He asked incredulously. "What are we gonna do? Kidnap the hokage?"

"Yep." Itachi said unemotionaly. Kisame looked at him with worry until he saw a small smile on the young man's face. "Actually, we're just going to haul a load of cargo. Itachi and Kisame together...again."

"The Akatsuki is broken, Itachi-san. There _is _no Itachi and Kisame anymore." Kisame growled. Itachi stood up and cocked an eyebrow.

"What sort of talk is that?" Itachi asked. "We can get back to the top with this. This is like our second chance at things." Kisame grunted and got out of bed, and began getting dressed.

"What's the cargo?" Kisame asked.

"Ohhh, about 100 cases of sake from the Village in the Sand."

"You _do_know that's bootlegging, right?" Kisame asked.

"When did minor problems like laws ever stop us before?" Itachi asked.

"You know the Anbu have those cars now."

"I know...I know." Itachi replied. "I already thought that out."

"Yeah?" Kisame asked.

Outside, the two men stood beside the open door of the semi's trailer. Kisame was curious as to why Itachi had opened the large door, and lowered the loading ramps.

"So, we're gonna be riding together?" Kisame asked.

"Not this time." Itachi replied. "We have 18 hours to make the run, and I have a plan."

"18 hours?!" Kisame exclaimed. "That's never been done!"

"Because _we_never tried it." Itachi said.

"So if we're not riding together..." Kisame began.

"Oh." Itachi said. He walked up the ramps into the truck. A few moments later, there was the roar of a powerful engine starting, and out of the truck backed a glossy black car with gold pinstriping and a gold phoenix on the hood. Itachi backed the car out into the yard and shut off the engine.

"Woah, kid." Kisame said, smiling. "What have you got now?" Itachi stood up out of the car's open T-top.

"1978 Trans Am." Itachi said proudly. "6.6 litre turbocharged V-8 engine."

"Kid," Kisame said. "I'm beginning to think we can do this.

"Of course we can do it." Itachi replied. "When Sharkman and the Bandit are together, we can do _anything_."

"You know the Anbu have those CB radios in their cars, right?" Kisame asked.

"I've already thought of that too." Itachi said.

"Yeah," Kisame said "I was thinking maybe we start on channel 19, then when I say switch to 24, we switch to 1"

"24 is 1?" Itachi asked.

"Yep. And when I say switch to 40, we don't. We go to 17."

"40 is 17?" Itachi asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah." Kisame said. "You see, we subtract 23 from the number to get the real number, and so everyone will be confused."

"How about we start in the basement...and change channels every half hour?" Itachi asked. Kisame thought for a moment.

"That'll work too." He said with a smile.

"Okay." Itachi said. "Let's hit the road."

_And so the fun begins. What will happen? Keep it tuned in to see! Reviews please, so thar I may know if this story is a worthy addition to the archives of and to your favorites. Until next time, cheerio._


	4. Chapter 3: The First Chase

Chapter 3: The First Chase

_Once again, I was delayed in posting by a series of unavoidable events. To my younger readers: if fully restoring a 100 year old house to make it your Edo-period style dream home sounds like a wonderful idea....go stick your head in a toilet, flush, and repeat if necessary. Oh...and dryrot and termite damage MAY result in falling through the floor. Anyway, I'm back with the latest chapter of this fic. Please send me reviews. I don't know if you like this fic or not unless you tell me. So without further ado, I submit for your approval...chapter 3. _

Itachi roared through a sleeping village in the western part of the Land of Fire. As he sped through the night, he kept a close eye out for any village police or ANBU that might pose any trouble for Kisame, who was now 5 miles from Itachi's backdoor. He passed by an alleyway where a village police nin sat in one of the new white and black patrol cars. Itachi smiled and locked up the brakes of the TransAm, the car's tires screaming in the night air, stopping right in front of the police car.

"What the hell?!" The nin muttered, dropping his cup of green tea onto his lap. He flipped on the blue strobe lights on the top of his ford Crown Victoria.

"Come and get me." Itachi said in a devil-may-care tone. He floored the accelerator, and peeled out across an open dirt market area. The nin in the patrol car stomped the gas, the car's V-8 engine roaring to life as he began pursuing the black muscle car. Itachi took his car across the dirt lot, and down a narrow alley with ease. The police nin followed between the buildings, losing both of his sideview mirrors in the process. Itachi took a sharp right out of the alley, then another sharp right into yet another alley, where he turned off his lights. The police nin took the right, and in his rush, passed right by Itachi, failing to see the black car in the moonless night. Itachi watched him pass in his rearview mirror.

"Don't even need genjutsu to mess with the minds of the weak." Itachi smiled. He pulled out, and quickly got back onto the main road. Having cleared the way for Kisame, he drove out of town, Kisame following a minute later, roaring through the village in his semi.

"Bandit...Bandit, this is The Sharkman, you have your ears on, kid?" Kisame said over the CB radio. Itachi picked up the mic and pressed the talk button.

"You got the Bandit." Itachi said. "Just clearing you a path here."

"Well where are you, trailblazer?" Kisame said cheerfully.

"Oh, just passing mile marker 92." Itachi replied.

"Well you'd better stop babying your car and pick up the pace, kid." Kisame laughed. "'Cause I'm about to drive up your tailpipe back here at mile marker 91."

"Well give it a try," Itachi jested. "Because I'm westbound and down. By the way, how are we doing on time?"

"Well..." Kisame said, looking at his clock. "We left at midnight...if we keep this up, we'll be in Sunagakure by ohhh...6am."

"Ha." Itachi said over the CB. "We're ahead of schedule. And they said This couldn't be done."

"Well don't get too cocky, kid." Kisame replied. "We still have alot of driving to do."

"10-4 that." Itachi muttered. He hung the CB mic on its clip, and brushed a bit of hair out of his face. He gave a small smile and seeing a straight stretch of road ahead, floored the accelerator.

_I know what you're thinking: "Jeez Doc, this chapter was BORING!" and "When is that unbelievably hot kunoichi, Temari gonna show up?" It's called rising action! So stay tuned in right here for more installments. Cheerio for now, friends._


	5. Chapter 4: Sake and Girls

Chapter 5: Sake and Girls

_I'm finally back with another chapter of Anbu and the Bandit. I want to dedicate this chapter, and the rest of this fic to my girlfriend, without whom, I may not be writing anymore. My thanks and my love go out to you, my dear. And hold on, we'll be together soon._

Itachi's Trans Am pulled up in front of a large sake warehouse in the Sand Village, followed by Kisame in the truck. The two nins climbed out of their vehicles. They stood before the warehouse a moment.

"Closed." Kisame growled. "That's...wonderful." Itachi gave him a sideways glance.

"So?" He asked. He waked over to the door, and busted out a window, reaching in and opening the door. Kisame walked over to the large bay door, shaking his head with a smile on his face. A few moments later, the door raised, revealing a warehouse full of cases of sake, ready to be shipped. Which was exactly what was about to happen to it.

"One question, kid." Kisame said, rubbing his chin. "How do we get it all INTO the truck?" Itachi looked around and spied a forklift.

"With this." He said, hopping into the forklift.

"You even know how to _drive _one of those things?" Kisame asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I can drive any forking thing on wheels." Itachi said with a smile. He started pulling levers and pushing the foot pedals, almost running into Kisame, who leapt onto the forks.

"Hold it, kid...hold.." Kisame shouted. Itachi hit the brakes, stopping the forklift. Kisame fell off, vaulting over a stack of sake cases. Itachi thought the situation was funny enough to warrant laughing uncontrollably.

"Oh very funny..." Kisame groaned, climbing back over the cases. "What do you say we cut the comedy, and load this stuff before we lose alot of gold?"

The truck loaded, the two nins closed the back doors and latched the locks on the precious and illicit cargo.

"I know we've been on a sort of crimebreaking binge..." KIsame said. "But shouldn't we pay somebofy for all this sake?" Itachi thought for a moment.

"You're right." He said. "Leave a note, and tell them to send the bill for the sake to Big and Little Kobiashi Maru." With that, he started walking back to his car as Kisame took out a notepad and pen.

"Please...bill...Big..." Kisame spoke as he wrote, as Itachi sped off in the Trans Am. "Big Kobiashi....Kobiashi...K...o...b...e..." He scribbled it out. "K...o..K..o..b..y" He sighed, and tossed the notepad over his shoulder. "To hell with this, I'm in a hurry."

Itachi roared down the road, clearing a path for Kisame, who was a little over 2 miles behind. Up ahead, he spotted a small wagon beside the road, the wheel broken. Then suddenly, a young woman darted into the road. Itach locked on the brakes, and turned the muscle car sideways, stopping with the passenger side door inches from a blonde-haired woman in a black kimono-like garmet.

"Going my way?" She asked, then threw a bag and a large fan into the backseat before climbing into the car. She looked at a stunned Itachi. "Does this horseless donkey cart move?" She asked cynically. Itachi smiled.

"Like lightning." He replied, and stomped the accelerator. The car burned out and accelerated down the road, just as four thugs came out of the trees and began stripping the wagon. A few moments later, Kisame came streaking by.

"Why are you driving so fast?" The girl asked Itachi. "You late for something?"

"Not yet." Itachi muttered.

"Well I'm late...late for my own wedding." The girl said mockingly. Itachi looked over at her.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"As far away as possible." She replied. She noticed Itachi's questioning look. "Hey, I'm not marrying some baka ANBU who has the common sense of a rock." Itachi smiled.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Temari." The woman replied with a small smile. The two smiled at each other a moment, then Itachi looked back at the road. "What's your name?"

"They call me Bandit." He replied.

"Is that your name or your occupation?" She asked dryly. Itachi smiled again and scoffed. He'd never met a girl so outspoken and tactless. He found it quite amusing.

"Hey Bandit?" Kisame's voice came over the CB. Itachi picked up the mic.

"You have the bandit, Sharkman." Itachi replied.

"Do you have a..._girl_ in your car, kid?" Kisame asked. Itachi looked at Temari.

"I might." He said.

"We're on a schedule here, and you're making time to pick up girls." Kisame joked. "You were always popular with the women."

"So they tell me." Itachi scoffed. He looked at Temari. "Fangirls..." he said. Temari smiled at Itachi as they sped on.

............

Back at Temari's carriage, the hoods had already unhitched the horse, and were taking the metal off of the cart. In their work, they didn't notice a patrol car pull up behind the wagon. Out stepped an overweight, angry looking man in an Anbu uniform, sans the mask. A younger, dumber-looking man stepped out of the passenger side, wearing a formal kimono and hakama. He dutifully pulled out a small cigar and handed it to the older man, who clenched it between his teeth. He glowered at the busy hooligans as he pulled out a lighter, and lit the cigar. Clicking the lighter closed caught the attention of the looters.

"Hold it right there, gentlemen..." The older man said. He walked over to the group, who stood rigid with fear. Suddenly the Anbu kicked the closest looter in the rear. "THAT is an ATTENTION getter!" He growled. "Now face the wagon and assume position if you would." The men obeyed instantly. He walked up to the first man, and leaned in over his shoulder. "A woman was here?"

"Y..y..yes sir." The man stammered. The Anbu walked to the next man.

"She get in a car, son?"

"Y...yeah." He replied.

"See the driver, by any chance?" The large nin said, puffing the cigar.

"N..no, but I saw the car and the plate." Another man said.

"WELL..." The Anbu said cockilly. "Looks like we have a regular genius on our hands here." He puffed the cigar. "Well?"

"Um...A black racing car." The man said. "Konoha plates. Uh...B, A, N...dash 1."

"Thank you...very much." The Anbu said facetiously. "Now you boys wait right here, and I'll send somebody to take care of you. Don't go anywhere, and don't go on my highway. Got it?"

"Yeah." The men agreed. The Anbu turned around, and bumped into the younger man.

"Damnit...Junior!" He growled, pushing his son out of the way. "Get...in...the...car!" The two men climbed back into the cruiser and drove away.

"Hey." One of the hoods whispered as the car dissapeared over a hill. "I think he's gone. Let's get out of here."

"Do what you want, baka." Another one replied. "I'm staying right here."

_And so closes another chapter. Sorry I haven't been updating alot. I've had alot going on (as usual). I'm gonna try to update more regularly. Again, this chapter, and the rest of this fic is for Kyrie, the light of my life. It was because of that we met, and because of her that I'm still writing here. I'll be back with more chapters soon, so keep it tuned in right here._


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